What is the world asking me to create of myself?

January 6, 2025
5:40 PM

"No matter what I do, I must do my best." This is something I've been telling myself for years. But it's also been one of the greatest contributors to my suffering.

I've always been the kind of person to become unmotivated by a task that I couldn't complete to the best of my ability. It always felt dishonorable to me and disrespectful to the task.

I wanted my actions and outcomes to reflect who I was as a person. And I wanted the task to be as validated, justified, and fulfilled as I was by the end.

My plan for every project was always to learn everything I could and then to make the best thing I could. If it wouldn't be the best, I didn't want to do it. There was little room for making mistakes or enjoying the process of learning. There was a job to be done after all.

I would force myself to buckle down and do the work until I was satisfied. No matter how long it took, I would get it done. I would tell myself the struggle only contributed to my growth and that completing the task was me living within my integrity.

However, this type of thinking would only lead to my burnout, and eventually, my resentment of myself. When I didn't do what I knew I should do because of how I felt, I would dwell on my lack of discipline and motivation.

Yet, was neglecting my emotions really the resolution to my problems? Did this solution address the root cause? How long would I have to fight my emotions until I won? Would this really lead me to the life I was working to create and experience?

It seems that I've been trying so hard to impose my guidance onto the world that I've completely ignored and neglected the world's guidance for me. I started a battle that I was never going to win.

The question was never, "What do I want to create in the world?" But rather, "What is the world asking me to create of myself?"

Discovering myself is not forcing the task to reflect my own limited identity, but seeking to understand what the task demands of me. It doesn't mean I can't be myself, but allowing the task to help me explore more of myself.

Chris X
7:01 PM

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