What underlying question is directing your life?

January 12, 2025
7:19 AM

Today, I realized one of my greatest sources of motivation came from the fear I wasn't good enough. What was eye-opening wasn't the idea of it, but how it manifested in my life. I've always been aware there was a part of me that felt this way, but I wasn't aware of its specific impact on my life or what to do about it until today.

It came from journaling about the questions I most asked myself. I have been a student of questions for a very long time, and to this day, I still discipline myself to be intentional with what I ask myself. So, when I went to journal, I had a clear idea and direction of what to write almost immediately.

These days, the question I ask myself most to direct my focus is, "Who is life asking me to be in this chapter of my life?" This question has always brought me a deep sense of guidance and faith in my journey ahead. I ask myself this question most frequently because it's what I think I need most. However, my response didn't seem complete with me.

I decided to take a different approach. Instead of thinking about the questions I asked myself, I first thought about the patterns of my behaviors and emotions that I exhibited. I asked myself, "What is the underlying question that guided it all?" That's when I realized almost all my interactions were focused on answering, "Am I good enough?"

With all my behaviors and emotions from my recent months fresh in my mind, this was no longer a question I could quickly brush off with a 'yes'. I could see that my fear and insecurity impacted everything. It wasn't just a source of my motivation, but a cause of my demotivation.

I could see I wasn't coming to others from a place of wanting to contribute to their lives, but from a place of trying to earn their validation. I believe relationships are a place I go to give, not to take. Yet, my fear made me inauthentic from who I wanted to be and deeply impacted my feelings toward my work when I didn't feel validated, promoting my inconsistency. I unknowingly judged almost every experience on whether it validated me or not, perpetuating my own unhappiness.

I always told myself I was "good enough" in hopes of building this belief within myself. But I never understood in the depths of my soul just how much I lacked my own validation and how my attempts of trying to feel good enough were distracting me from addressing my fear of not being enough.

I would repeat to myself, "I, myself, am worthy of my own love and kindness as much as anyone else." and "I do not matter because of my life. My life matters because of me." But it seems it was only my way of coping with my fear of not being enough. If anything, it only perpetuated my fear.

It's said to bake a good cake, you need to put the right ingredients in, but also keep the wrong ingredients out. It matters what you say to yourself, but it also matters the place you say it from. It doesn't matter who loves you if you don't love yourself. When you love yourself remember to do it from the genuine and authentic place within you, not from a place of fearing you're not enough. You, yourself, are worthy of your own love and kindness as much as anyone else.

8:24 AM
Chris X

P.S. The experience and inspiration for this letter came from my journaling program called, "A Call To Adventure". If you are interested in your own self-discovery, you can get access to the program here.

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